A Teens Servival Guide to Jeremy Kyle

I think that most people know who Mr Kyle is, he's 'the British Jerry Springer', who started off as a breakfast presenter for capital FM. I ask you, when you watch his show how many kids do you see actually get the better off the parents? Awnser: 1, and he was ingenious, this kid had Jeremy, his step dad and his mum trying to beat him down but whenever a point was raised he would instantly give the reason for it, every time making sure the blame would come back pointing squarely at the adults, but after the most of it was done the cherry on the top came along when the step dad slapped the kid with his, 'can not fail argument' of, you hit your mother to which he looked down and replied that his mum was telling him horrible things about his real dad, the whole audience just gasped, the this kid hadn't quite finished, as soon as the audience had just about stopped he took it straight to his step dad with 'and I know it was the wrong thing to do and I'm sorry but it's not like I pushed her down the stairs, is it' it transpired that the step dad had lost his rag and hospitalised the mum, the kid became a hero and the audience took their tern to lay it in to the humiliated pair. I have seen a lot of the shows and I have notest that its normally Jeremy who will take the kids side then just before something big is said he abandons them and he looks good by pretending that he gave them a fair shot and they blew it. For this reason I think kids aught to have a statagy guide to dealing with him. So here it is:

Step one: When you come on stage don't shout or scream (I know it seams fun but its like walking though airport metal detectors, getting through and shouting 'YES', its just not gonna strengthen your case) and dont't say ' you don't know me!!' it's like coad for 'death worrent', just come on don't move the chair, if you get the chance shake Kyles hand and if he welcomes you a heartfelt thank you is really gonna help.

Step two: The arguments, sware once prefrably a 'what the fuck?' then instantly appologise and clame that there was no need to use that language. If you said it in a angry way take 30 seconds or so to 'calm down' then say 'sorry but you can see how she/he trys to get to me, and its like this all the time'

Step 3: Save the best till last, (usaly includes, abuse, violence, shagging everything in sight), as far as these are concerned the best one that's been on tv is, 'what about you putting yourself in the paper as Lady Whiplash!!!!'. It helps to be serious if it's in the balance, but if you have the chance go for the embarrassing stuff, it makes them back down, the audience support you more.
Step four : Laugh and laugh for weeks and weeks.

H.O.T.T.Y. you aint got no alabi

I can only appologise for this, but its somthing that needs to be said. For the people who know me its is quite apparent that as much as I like punk, ska and a whole load of other music I still love the cheesy pop that I was brought up on. On this I was flicking though the channels on my sky and I came across, 'ooh, stick you!' by Daphne and Celeste, I stuck on this and it soon occered to me that Daphone is realy quite cute. There's a picture below to prove me right.

So this leads me to think that eather this was before I was intrested in girls, but I dont think so because I got horney pretty early. As my sister will tell any one at any oppotunety this ended with a broken hearted 6 year old and a gender confused hamster. Or maybe its that I found the song so irratating when it was sung by my friends that I had blanked all possable thoughts of it out of my mind. But is it possable to blank out what is one of the most irrataingly memerable songs of the 90's, because its been done badly?

bad, sad, sorry or glad?

Now, I have mixed emotions all round 'bout this. I have a mate called Jannine, who I would kill for. Well. . . maybe not 'for', but I had to do one of those 'all about me Quizes' and it was for her. And the questions (unserprisingly) were about her, and to make it even easyer it was multichoice. Anyway as a bit of a joke I did all the most insulting awnsers (knowing the results were gonna be sent to her) but it came to the end of the test and the final score 12/15. This being kinda good, I was left with 4 emotions.

1 Bad that I had sent her the nasty results
2 Sad that its terned out that way
3 Sorry, kinda for her, kinda for what she's gonna do to me if she ever found out why it terned out this way
4 Glad that I did well for once!!!

In future DON'T send me any of these!!!!

Why are all students seemingly obsessed with monkeys?

OK, I know that its an odd question but I got thinking and it eventually needed an answer. (For the purpose of this try to Imagen you are buying a monkey). Well there are different ideas of 'monkeys', there are gorillas, Apes, capuchin monkey's (Ross's monkey from friends). I tend to think of the latter, probably because I grew up watching friends, also gorillas and apes make me think of King Kong and he seems a lot to handle. Anyway most of us don't know all the different types of monkey, so lets start with the basics, most of us realistically want a smaller creature this way we have at least some control over it, this allows you to potently teach it tricks, this way we can impress the cuties and lets face it we all know that you could get drunk and see a monkey do a trick 1000 times but its never gonna stop being funny!
The colour of the monkey can also be important, even if it is a tad shallow. Brown is an obvious colour and its cute but we all know that a big reason that you have your chimp is so u can put it in a suit (with plans to make it ride a tricycle wearing a big hat) and brown monkeys may not look so good in the hat, but a black monkey may be able to carry it off.
One of the main reasons for having a pet is company and attention, we all have learnt how being at Uni for the first time can be tricky and sometimes we all need a disinterested party to listen, and for the life of me I cannot think why Curtis, (yes I named my monkey) would give a toss either way if you think your mates are trying to steal all the people you have spent 2 and a half hours trying to impress in hogshead last Friday. That's without the help of Curtis, or even the mention of him. Maybe its the thought of just having someone there, just to know your not alone, also depending on the alcoholic state you are in, it could be used as a source for intelligent conversation.
It is just about now that I would like to have gone in to the physiological and biological meanings that we are desperately trying to reach out to our evolutionary ancestors, I'm not going to purely for the fact that I'm terrified that all the biology and physiology students are gonna get hold of this and prove me wrong due to the fact that they are studying these subjects and I know sweet 'F.A.' about either, the front bunker gets enough mail on its own with out me causing a letter pile behind the door so high they need black and decker equipment just to get to their laptops.
It seems like an obvious answer but, we like monkeys cos their cool, their unusual and fantastic to watch when pissed! It may be that we want them cos I doubt that there are too many people who know people who own monkeys, but if your dream of hearing the pitier-patter of tiny chimps thumping their chests as they bring you prescription drugs to help you get over the night before, when you and 4 mates tried to get Curtis just to sit on the bike, think only this, this little turds gonna piss on your floor, put fleas on your clothes and if he dose help get you a girlfriend he'll keep interrupting sex to get as much attention as the person next to you. If your ambitions reach a reality, SWEET!!!!